Fliegerwitze

 

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options
are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the
man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"

Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!! 5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).
9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...
15. I'll have what the Captain's having...
16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...


Real flight announcements


Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50F degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

 

Squawks

"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words


Der Pilot hat seine Durchsage an die Fluggäste gemacht und lehnt sich in seinen Sitz zurück. Bedauerlicherweise hat er vergessen, die Bordsprechanlage auszuschalten, als er zu seinem Copiloten sagt: "Hast du die kleine, neue Stewardess gesehen? Ich schalte jetzt auf Autopilot, trinke meine Kaffee aus und dann vernasche ich die mal".
Im Passagierraum haben alle alles mitgehört und die angesprochene Stewardess will aufgeregt nach vorne eilen, als sie ein älterer Passagier aufhält: " Sie brauchen sich nicht so zu beeilen. Sie haben doch gehört, er will erst noch seinen Kaffee austrinken!".

 

Hubschrauber - Lehrer zu seinem Flugschüler:
"Sehen Sie zu, dass Sie innerhalb der betonierten Fläche bleiben"
- Nach ein paar Minuten -
"Ach was, bleiben Sie wenigstens in Deutschland"

Pilot zum Tower:
"Ratet mal wer jetzt kommt"
Der Fluglotse schaltet die Lampen auf der Rollbahn aus und antwortet:
"Nun rate mal, wo wir sind"



Pilot eines Passagierflugzeugs: "...wenn Sie zur Rechten aus dem Fenster sehen, werden Sie feststellen, dass die rechte Turbine brennt. Wenn Sie links aus dem Fenster sehen, werden Sie einen Fallschirm entdecken, das bin ich."

 

 

Meine Damen und Herren, dies ist eine Notdurchsage. Unsere Motoren haben beide versagt. Nehmen sie alle spitzen Gegenstände aus der Kleidung, ziehen sie die Schuhe aus, stellen sie die Rückenlehnen senkrecht und bewahren sie Ruhe. Und wenn sie jetzt nach links aus dem Flugzeug sehen, dann sehen sie
drei bunte Punkte. DAS SIND WIR !

 

"Gut dass es nur eine Übung ist" sagte der Fallschirmspringer, als sein Schirm nicht aufging.

 

Was trennt zwei Alkoholiker von zwei Nymphomaninnen?
Die Cockpittür!

 

Sagt die Frau des Piloten abends im Bett:
"Wenn du schon nicht hochkommst, dann geh wenigstens von der Piste runter."


Kurz nach dem Start meldet sich der Kapitän:
"Leider ist eines unserer 4 Triebwerke ausgefallen. Doch kein Grund zur Sorge. Mit den verbleibenden 3 Triebwerken können wir sicher weiterfliegen. Das Unangenehme ist, dass sich die Flugzeit um 2 Stunden erhöht."
Eine halbe Stunde später wieder der Kapitän: "Wir hatten einen weiteren Triebwerksausfall, aber kein Grund zur Panik. Dadurch wird sich die Flugzeit um weitere 2 Stunden erhöhen."
Doch kurze Zeit später wieder eine Ansage.
"Unglücklicherweise ist nun auch das dritte Triebwerk ausgefallen. Aber keine Angst, wir sind mit einem Triebwerk immer noch voll steuerungsfähig. Leider erhöht sich die Flugzeit um 2 weitere Stunden."
Plötzlich springt eine Blondine auf und schreit:
"Na toll, wenn das letzte Triebwerk jetzt auch noch ausfällt müssen wir ewig hier oben bleiben!"

 

Meldung im Österreichischen Rundfunk:
Heute Nacht ist auf dem Linzer Friedhof eine Cessna abgestürzt! Es wurden bereits 120 Leichen geborgen!"



Welcome to Toast-Är
"Von den Nichtschwimmern verabschieden wir uns in aller Höflichkeit und den Schwimmern unter Ihnen wünschen wir weiterhin eine gute Reise. Bitte treten sie beim Verlassen des Flugzeuges nicht die Kerzen aus, die die Notbeleuchtung ersetzen. Die Passagiere auf den Stehplätzen werden gebeten das Schreien einzustellen. Die sitzenden Passagiere werden gebeten den rechten Arm zu heben, das erleichtert das Hervorziehen aus den Trümmern, falls das Land noch erreicht wird. Wenn Sauerstoffmasken vorhanden wären, so würde ich sie bitten, diese aufzusetzen. Da die Schwimmwesten sehr teuer sind, haben wir auf TÜV-geprüfte Schwimmflügel umgestellt. Diese sind durch das Loch im Boden in der siebten Reihe zu erangeln. Im Falle eines Todes wird die Sicherheitsgebühr in Höhe von 5 Mark Ihren Hinterbliebenen auf Ihr Konto erstattet. Im Cockpit finden Sie die Leichen von 5 Flugzeugentführern, die sich über das Ziel nicht einig waren. Die Toiletten sollten nicht mehr benutzt werden, da seit 4 Monaten kein Flughafen die Tanks günstig auspumpen wollte. Wir bedanken uns für Ihr Vertrauen in Toast-Är auf dem Wege nach Bogotá und bitten noch einmal, die Füße nicht in die unbedeckten Hydraulikstangen zu stecken."



Ein neues IFR*-Verfahren für die Luftfahrt


*IFR =Instrument Flight Rules (fliegen bei schlechter Sicht)
In Amerika hat neuerdings die Cat & Duck Methode für Furore gesorgt. Piloten sollten dieses Verfahren sorgfältig studieren. Seine Grundlagen sind äußerst einfach:
Stellen Sie eine lebende Katze auf den Cockpitboden. Da eine Katze immer aufrecht bleibt, kann Sie wie ein künstlicher Horizont benutzt werden. Je nachdem in welche Seite die Katze schief steht, sieht man, welche Tragfläche hängt. Die Ente wird für den Landeanflug benötigt. Da sich jede (gesunde) Ente weigert, bei schlechter Sicht zu fliegen, braucht man die Ente nur aus dem Flugzeug zu werfen und Ihr zur Erde zu folgen.
Das sind die zwei elementaren Grundsätze. Bei der gleichzeitigen Beachtung der folgenden Punkte werden Sie Erfolge erzielen, die jeden Tower-Controller in blankes Erstaunen versetzen wird.
Nehmen Sie immer eine hellwache Katze. Die meisten Katzen lieben es nicht, die ganze Zeit zu stehen. Darum empfiehlt es sich, auch einen großen Hund mitzunehmen, damit die Katze immer wachsam bleibt.
Ihre Katze muß sauber sein. Schmutzige Katzen putzen sich ständig. Versuche, den Bewegungen einer sich putzenden Katze zu folgen, enden leicht in gerissenen Rollen mit anschließendem Flachtrudeln.
Benutzen Sie nur alte Katzen. Junge Katzen haben bekanntlich neun Leben, während alte, schon abgenutzte Katzen nur noch über ein Leben verfügen. Die Katze hat daher genau so viel zu verlieren wie Sie und ist daher zuverlässiger.
Hüten Sie sich vor feigen Enten. Merkt die Ente, wozu Sie die Katze benutzen, wird sie womöglich das Flugzeug nicht ohne Katze verlassen wollen. Feige Enten sind bei schlechter Sicht ohne Katze nicht besser als Sie.
Nehmen Sie Landenten. Es ist sehr entmutigend und gefährlich, wenn man sich, aus den Wolken kommend, am Ende in einem Teich wiederfindet. Entenjäger leiden, wenn sie im kalten Wasser stehen, unter temporärer Urteilsschwäche und schießen dann auf alles, was fliegt.



Unterschiede von Piloten

Der ATPL-Pilot überspringt große Gebäude, ist stärker als eine 747, schneller als eine Pistolenkugel, kann auf dem Wasser wandern und regelt mit Gott den Lauf der Dinge.
Der Multi-Engine-Pilot überspringt kleinere Gebäude, ist stärker als eine 707, ist fast so schnell wie eine Pistolenkugel, kann bei ruhiger See auf dem Wasser wandeln und spricht manchmal zu Gott.
Der IFR-Pilot überspringt kleine Gebäude bei günstigem Wind und mit Anlauf, versichert glaubhaft, so schnell wie ein Learjet zu sein, kann auf dem Wasser einer Badeanstalt balancieren und nach vorheriger Anfrage mit Gott sprechen.
Der CPL-Pilot schafft kaum den Sprung über Hundehütten, schätzt seine Stärke ziemlich hoch ein, kann schnelle Pistolenschüsse abgeben, oft ganz gut schwimmen und wird ab und zu von Gott angesprochen.
Der Motorflug-Pilot macht hohe Sprünge statt über Häuser zu springen, wird von Piper Arrows überholt, kann manchmal mit der Pistole hantieren ohne sich zu verletzen, kann sich im Wasser wie ein Hund an der Oberfläche halten und spricht zu Tieren.
Der Motorsegler-Pilot läuft gegen Häuser, kann einen Motorsegler auf Anhieb erkennen, erhält vorsorglich niemals Munition, bekommt einen Fallschirm, kann sich nur nach genauer Anweisung über Wasser halten und spricht zum Wasser.
Der UL-Pilot stolpert über die Schwelle beim Betreten von Häusern, sagt "Guck mal das Flugzeug", macht sich mit einer Wasserpistole nass und führt Selbstgespräche.
Der Ballonpilot fährt bei günstigem Wind über große Gebäude und reißt ihnen bei ungünstigem Wind den Schornstein ab, hat zum Aufblasen der Tüte eine stärkere Lunge als jeder Flächenpilot, läßt sein Wasser im Korb und ist nach jedem Landefest ziemlich nahe an Gott.
Der Segelflug-Pilot hebt mühelos jedes Gebäude hoch und geht darunter hindurch, stößt Flugzeuge aus den Hangars, fängt fliegende Pistolenkugeln mit den Zähnen und zerkaut sie, läßt Wasser durch seine Blicke zu Eis erstarren. Er ist Gott!



Wenn Betriebssysteme Fluglinien wären


DOS Airlines
Alle schieben das Flugzeug an bis es abhebt. Dann springen alle auf und lassen das Flugzeug trudeln, bis es wieder am Boden aufschlägt. Dann schieben sie wieder an, springen auf ....

DOS Airlines (QEMM-Class)
Genau dasselbe, nur mit mehr Platz für die Füße beim Anschieben.

Mac Airlines
Alle Stewards, Stewardessen, Piloten, Gepäckträger und Ticketverkäufer sehen gleich aus und sagen das gleiche. Wenn man nach Details fragt, bekommt man immer die gleiche Antwort: Das müsse man nicht wissen, wolle es auch nicht wissen, und alles laufe schon richtig. Man solle also lieber gleich still sein, zum Platz zurückkehren und sich den Film weiter ansehen.

Windows Airlines
Das Flughafenterminal ist schön bunt, die Stewards und Stewardessen freundlich. Man gelangt ohne Probleme an Bord, ein reibungsloser Start, ...plötzlich stürzt das Flugzeug ohne jegliche Vorwarnung ab.

OS/2 Airlines
Um an Bord des Flugzeuges zu kommen, muss man sein Ticket zehnmal stempeln lassen und in zehn unterschiedlichen Warteschlangen anstehen. Dann füllt man ein Formular aus, in dem man angeben muss, wo man sitzen möchte und ob der Sitzplatz wie in einem Bus aussehen soll. Wenn es einem gelingt, an Bord zu kommen und das Flugzeug tatsächlich vom Boden abhebt, hat man einen wunderbaren Flug - außer wenn Höhen- und Seitenruder einfrieren. In diesem Fall hat man jedoch noch immer genügend Zeit, sich auf den Absturz vorzubereiten.

UNIX Airlines
Jeder Passagier bringt ein Stück des Flugzeugs mit. Alle gehen auf die Startbahn und setzen das Flugzeug Stück für Stück zusammen. Dabei diskutieren sie fortwährend, welche Art von Flugzeug sie gerade zusammenbauen.

LINUX Airlines
Im Gegensatz zur typischen UNIX - Airline hat jeder Fluggast die Möglichkeit, die Teile auszutauschen, die er anders haben möchte. Wenn die Passagiere nicht gleich ganze Teile austauschen möchten, so haben sie im Gegensatz zu anderen Airlines die Konstruktionspläne und können ihr Flugzeug im Detail optimieren. Da die Flüge gratis sind, war bis vor kurzem eine gewisse Skepsis betreffend Flugsicherheit und Komfort verbreitet, die sich jedoch inzwischen zu legen scheint.

NT Airlines
Alle gehen auf die Startbahn, sagen im Chor das Passwort und bilden die Umrisse eines Flugzeugs. Dann setzen sich alle auf den Boden, flattern mit den Händen und geben Geräusche von sich, als würden sie wirklich fliegen.

MVS Airlines
Alle Passagiere, die den Hangar besuchen, sehen hunderte ständig arbeitende Techniker, welche ununterbrochen die Systeme eines großen und luxuriösen Flugzeuges überprüfen und warten. Das Flugzeug hat mindestens 10 Triebwerke und Sitze für über 1000 Passagiere. In einem riesigen Gewühl kommen die Passagiere an Bord. Der Pilot nimmt Platz im gläsernen Cockpit. Er startet die Maschine, nur um dann festzustellen, dass das Flugzeug viel zu groß ist, um durch die Hangartore durchzukommen.

Newton Airlines
Nachdem man sich das Ticket 18 Monate im voraus gekauft hat, kommt man doch noch an Bord. Während des Boardings wird man nach seinem Namen gefragt. Nach 4 - 6mal wiederholen erkennt das Personal den Namen dann doch, und man darf den Platz einnehmen. Während man sich auf den Abflug vorbereitet, verkündet plötzlich die Stewardess, dass man das Boarding wiederholen müsse, da es Platzschwierigkeiten gebe.

VSE Airlines
Das Flugzeug hat gute technische Daten, doch wenn man es sich genauer ansieht, stellt man bald fest: eigentlich entspricht das Flugzeug keinen modernen Sicherheitsstandards. Und überhaupt: Man steigt in das doch ziemlich große Flugzeug ein und bemerkt, dass da noch eines im Inneren ist. Steigt man in dieses ein, hat man wieder ein Flugzeug im Flugzeug usw.

Win Air Transport 95
Das Flugzeug kommt einem von Anfang an suspekt vor....bis man entdeckt, daß es sich in Wirklichkeit nur um ein restauriertes WINDOWS-Airlines Flugzeug handelt. Auf den Flügeln hängen immer noch die alten DOS-Airline Triebwerke. Aber immerhin: Die Sitze sind nun verstellbar und man hat auch an Dinge wie Becherhalter gedacht. Im Cockpit erinnern die Kontrollen und Schalter sehr stark an die von Mac-Airlines, man stellt jedoch bald fest, daß sie nur aufgemalt sind.


Eine Blondine packt im Flugzeug eine Tube schwarze Schuhcreme aus und beginnt, ihre Muschi einzufärben.
Der Sitznachbar guckt überrascht und fragt: "Was machen sie denn da ?"
"Nur für den Fall das wir abstürzen. Nach der Black Box wird doch immer zuerst gesucht."

 

Unterhalten sich ein amerikanischer, ein russischer und ein deutscher Pilot darüber, wer wohl das größte Flugzeug hat.
Sagt der Ami: "Oh well, wir haben so große Flugzeuge, daß eine ganze Footballmannschaft und 1000 Fans reinpassen."
Meint der Russe: "Ach, daß ist ja gar nichts. Bei uns sind Flugzeuge so groß, daß ein ganzes Rugby-Team und 2000 weitere Leute reinpassen."
Der Deutsche überlegt und meint: "Also, ich hab jetzt die Abmessungen meines Flugzeuges nicht im Kopf, aber ich will euch mal ein Beispiel nennen. Wir flogen mal so über den Atlantik, da hab ich so ein komisches Geräusch gehört. Hab dann zum Kopiloten gesagt, der soll mal in die linke Tragfläche rüberfahren und nachschauen. Der hat sich dann sofort in den Käfer gesetzt und ist rübergefahren. Nach einer halben Stunde kam er zurück und hat gemeint: Chef, ich konnt nix finden. Weil ich mir aber sicher war, daß da irgendein merkwürdiges Geräusch war, hab ich ihn in die rechte Tragfläche geschickt. Er hat sich wieder in den Käfer gesetzt und ist losgefahren. Ne halbe Stunde später kam er zurück und hat wieder gesagt: Also, recht ist auch nichts. Dann hab zu ihm gesagt: Pass auf, jetzt nimmst du den Porsche, fährst ins Heck und schaust da nach. Zwei Stunden später kam er dann zurück und hat wieder gesagt: Ich hab nichts ungewöhnliches finden können, außer daß der Koch wieder mit dem U-Boot im Suppe rumschwimmt. Dann hab ich gesagt, er solle noch mal nach hinten fahren, sich diesmal aber richtig nachschauen. Er fährt wieder los, kommt nach drei Stunden zurück und meint: Chef, du hattest recht. Da war wirklich was. Und zwar hat irgend so ein Trottel das Klofenster offengelassen, durch den Sog hat's ne Boeing reingezogen, und die fliegt jetzt um das Licht und findet nicht mehr raus."

Passagiere im Helikopter:
"Du, was ist dieser große Propeller hier oben?"
"Ich glaube, der gehört zur Klimaanlage."
"Wirklich?"
"Ja, seitdem er abgestellt ist, schwitzt der Pilot."

"Ladies and Gentleman!
This is our first automatically flight across the Atlantic. You can be sure, that nothing can go wrong gowrong gowrong gowron..."



Wörterbuch

AIRFOILS = swords used for dueling in flight.
AIRSTRIP = in-flight performance by exotic stewardesses.
COCKPIT = area where chicken pilots are kept.
DIVE = pilots lounge.
DOWNWIND LEG = when a girl is standing sideways to wind, skirt will be lower on this leg.
ELEVATOR = device that raises runway thus preventing pilots from "dropping it in".
FINAL APPROACH = last pass pilot makes at girl before giving up.
FLAPS = birds do it, but recommended for fixed-wing aircraft.
GROSS WEIGHT = 350 lb. pilot.
NOSE WHEEL = device sometimes bent by pilot.
PILOT NOSE = Usually bent just after nosewheel.
PROPELLER = fan that keeps pilot cool - turn it off an watch him sweat.
ROGER = most popular name on radio.
R.P.M. = initials of large corporation that builds tachometers.
PIPER CHEROKEE = flying Indian musician.
RUNWAY = place where exotic stewardesses start the airstrip.
SKYJACK = device for changing tires in flight.
SLIP = apparel worn by some pilots.
STALL = place where plane is kept.
SUPERCHARGER = pilot with a wallet full of credit cards.
TAILDRAGGER = pilot who lost bout with bottle last flight.
THERMAL = student pilot's description of a container for hot coffee.
ZULU TIME = used by African pilots.


Auf dem Rücken soll man drücken
oder sich nach Trümmern bücken !!!


Der Buschfliegerpilot wird angesichts seiner 5 Unfälle in 10 Jahren nach der Angst vor dem Risiko gefragt, und antwortet: "We face it, we´re damn´ cool, we´re pilots !

A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me, and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you." He took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me, and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you and do anything you want!" Again, he took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" He replied: "Look, I'm a pilot, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!"



A flight instructor and his student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna 172 cleared for take-off.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Instructor: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Student: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Instructor: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna 172 cleared for take-off, runway 29.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Instructor: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Student: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Instructor: "That's a good idea."
Student: Cessna 172, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger 172, hold your position. Deer on runawy 29 cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna 172 cleared for departure, runway 29. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

 

Was sind fünf Stewards in einer Reihe?
... eine Warmfront


Wie heißt eine Stewardess über 50?
... Notrutsche

 

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hi, where am I?" The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane." The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there, the airport is Just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees!"


Passagiere sitzen in einem Flieger und erwarten den Start. Da öffnet sich noch einmal der Eingang und zwei Männer in Pilotenuniform kommen den Gang entlang. Beide tragen verdunkelte Augengläser.
Einer der beiden führt einen Blindenhund an der Leine, der andere tappt mit einem weißen Stock den Gang entlang. In der Maschine entfalten sich laute und nervöse Gespräche, die Männer gehen unbeeindruckt ins Cockpit, schließen die Türe und starten die Triebwerke.
Die Passagiere werfen sich nervöse und ängstliche Blicke zu, hoffen aber noch immer auf einen schlechten Scherz.
Derweil rast die Maschine immer schneller die Flugpiste entlang. Da realisieren die Fluggäste mit Fensterplatz, dass hinter der Flugpiste nur noch das Meer kommt.
Als es so aussieht, dass die Maschine nie im Leben abheben - aber im Meer versinken wird, ertönt in der Kabine panisches Geschrei. In diesem Moment steigt das Flugzeug sanft in die Luft. Im Cockpit dreht sich der Co-Pilot zum Piloten und sagt,
"Du weißt Bob, eines Tages werden die Leute zu spät schreien, und dann werden wir alle sterben."


Pilot: Airbus der AUA (Austrian Airlines) landet in MUC II. Der Pilot steigt in die Eisen was er nur kann und bringt das Flugzeug gerade noch so vor dem Ende der Runway zum stehen. Sagt er zum Copiloten: "So ein Scheiß - Airport, so eine kurze Landebahn ist mir ja noch nie untergekommen."
Der Copilot schaut links und recht aus den Cockpit-Fenstern und meint: "Na ja, dafür ist sie mindestens 4 km breit...."

 

Pilot: "Koeln-Bonn-Tower, hier Lufthansa 1234. Erbitten
Rollerlaubnis nach Muenchen."
Tower: "Lufthansa 1234, Roger. Rollerlaubnis nach
Muenchen erteilt. Melden Sie Passieren des Haupttores!"

Controller: One two three
Pilot: There is no tree in lokal Area

Der ältere Pilot kommt zum Flugarzt und muss sich untersuchen lassen. Alles ist bestens in Ordnung, Leber, Milz, Magen, Reflexe. Zum Schluss kommt der Sehtest und der Arzt meint zum Piloten (den er gut kennt):
A: So, jetzt lies mir doch noch schnell die Buchstaben da auf der Tafel vor, das war es dann.
P: Welche Tafel?
Der Pilot darf sich noch etwas näher hinstellen (man kennt sich ja so gut), woraufhin er meint:
P: Ach du meinst den grauen Fleck da.
A: Ok, noch was näher.
Das Spiel geht so eine ganze Zeit, der Pilot ist praktisch blind. Erst als er auf Instrumentenbrettentfernung herangekommen ist, kann er auf einmal alles lesen, sogar das Copyright unten in der Ecke.
A: Tja, tut mir leid, aber mit den Augen kann ich dich nicht mehr fliegen lassen.
P: Aber wieso denn, es ist doch sowieso alles vollautomatisch und du wirst nicht bestreiten können, dass ich alle Instrumente perfekt ablesen kann.
A: Ok, ok, ich seh ja ein, dass bei euch mittlerweile fast alles automatisch funktioniert, bei Start und Flug hätte ich auch keine Bedenken, aber bei der Landung muss man doch immer noch was nach draussen schauen.
P: Ooooch, das ist kein Problem. Ich sorge immer dafür, dass neben mir ein junger, unerfahrener Copilot sitzt und wenn ich die Kiste auf dem Leitstrahl habe, dann schaue ich mir nur noch meinen Copiloten an. Wenn der dann brüllt: 'OH MEIN GOTT!!!!!', dann nur noch gaaaaaanz langsam abfangen.

Atlantikflug A340 FRA-JFK:
Ein 5-jähriger Junge kommt in's Cockpit, setzt sich hin und schaut zu
Die Zeit vergeht
Der Kapitän rückt sich seine Sonnenbrille zurecht
Die Zeit vergeht
Nach 10 Minuten fragt der Kapitän den kleinen Jungen: Na kleiner,
willst du auch mal Pilot werden?
Der Junge anwortet: Nee, ich nicht, aber mein Bruder, die faule Sau!

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!"


Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain:
Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do.

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing (bolter): You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is.

Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "I am 1,80 m and I'm sitting.

I over heard this while on ground control in MIA.
VIRGIN Flt: "Every time I come to MIA you women controllers give us a hard time."
ATC: "For the nine years I have been a controller, I have never had a problem handling a VIRGIN."

Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."
Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet."

A female pilot at Sydney's Bankstown airport was in a hurry to get airborne, she made the following request: "Bankstown Tower Cessna ABC requests an intersexual departure runway 29R."
Almost straight away ATC reply: "ABC, The full length is available."

ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us ... ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light.

The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller (a female) screamed: "[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there" Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?"
Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard:
Lufthansa (In German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (In English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (In English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff, when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle, and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the heck is going on?" The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!"

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way.
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

The Balair charter flight home had been a long one. The passengers had got a bit bored over the second half and cockpit visits were taking place.
After a while the crew were getting tired of this, so when the steward asked for "just one more", the captain told him to show the passenger the cockpit himself and then they were going to descend. As they went through the plates, the crew heard something like, "So this is the captain on the left - the sexual adviser on the right and the flight engineer here behind. Now, these instruments in the middle are.." "excuse me, what did you say the man on the right was?" asked the passenger. "The sexual adviser." answered the steward "Now - these levers here are......" "I am sorry to interrupt again" said the pax but do mean to tell me that you carry a sexual adviser on your crews?" The steward looked blankly at him. "Well I presumed so!" he answered - "At least, every time he opens his mouth, the captain says 'When I need your Fucking Advice, I'll ask you for it!


Once upon a time BA and Virgin decided to have a boat race on the Thames. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach peak performance. On the big day they were as ready as could be and Virgin won by a length. BA were discouraged and senior management set up a project to investigate the problem. Its conclusion was that the Virgin team had 8 people rowing and one person steering. The BA team had one person rowing and eight people steering. Senior management immediately hired consultants to study team performance. Millions of pounds were spent and several months later they concluded that there were too many people steering and not enough rowing. The following year the team structure was changed to 4 steering managers, 3 senior steering managers and one executive steering manager. A performance/appraisal system was set up to give the rower more incentive to work harder and become a key performer. They concluded he must be given empowerment and enrichment. The next year the big day arrived and Virgin duly won. BA laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off the paddles, cancelled capital investment and halted development of the new boat. Then they gave high performance awards to the consultants and distributed the money saved among senior management.

Royalty
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself.
He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"
"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!"

Hear the one about the new hostie who didn't socialise and failed to turn up for transport after her first night stop? The purser went to her room and found her in floods of tears. She explained that she had been trapped in her room all night. How come? Of the three doors in her room, one led to the bathroom, one led to the wardrobe and the third had a sign on the handle saying "Do not disturb"

Q. How do you stop a Flight Attendant from having an orgasm?
A. Press the F/A Call Button - She'll never come.


Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The phone rings...
It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!

A hosti was out golfing one day off when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The hosti freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your captain will get 10 times more or better!"
The hosti said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful hosti in the world - beautiful enough to make people stop flying SQ. The frog warned her,
"You do realize that this wish will also make your captain the most handsome pilot in the world, an Adonis, that other hosties will flock to."
The hosti replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful hosti and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful hosti in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest hosti in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your captain the richest pilot in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The hosti said, "That will be okay because I'm such a devoted hosti that what is mine is my captain's and what is my captain's is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest hosti in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story : Hosties are clever bitches. Don't **** with them


Did you hear about the Australian Capt., and his British FO who arrived at the pearly gates ? St Peter processed them in and told them to go to the next room along and pick up their clocks. "Clocks ?" asked the FO - "Yes, you get a nice carriage clock as a souvenir of your time on Earth" replied St Peter. So they go into the clock room, and the FO picks up the clock with his name on it, which has stopped at the time he died. He notices that other clocks are still going, and the hands on some occasionally jump 15 minutes at a time. He asks St Peter why, and is told a little known fact, that when someone masturbates, it actually takes 15 minutes off their life so the hands of the clock move round accordingly. The Capt. is having a hard time locating his clock when St. Peter slaps his head and says "I'm sorry, I should have told you we keep Australian's clocks in a different room - we find they make excellent ceiling fans.."

So the BirdSeed 747 is inbound to LHR after a looooong all-nighter. The FO is rubbing his neck and looking miserable. The ever so senior Captain asks what the matter is. The FO reports that his neck is hurting after such a long time in the seat. The Captain obviously related to this, and said "Ah yes my boy - I often get the same trouble. I have my own way of dealing with it - works every time."
FO: "Pray sire - tell me your cure"
Captain: "Well lad, I get in the Beemer, and while I am driving home I call the old girl, tell her to get the hot-tub ready, and fix me a huge Bloody Mary, and to get in the best lingerie that I have bought her. Then I get home, wallow in the tub, have my drink, and then I get out and bonk her rotten, then sleeping with my head using her huge bosoms for a pillow. You should try that!"
A couple of weeks later they are flying again, and the Captain remembers the conversation. "Well lad - did you try my cure for neck pain?"
Effoh - "Yes sir!"
Captain - "And what did you think?"
Effoh - "Well sir, everything went just as you suggested. I have to say you have a lovely hot-tub!"

Okay then, a new one. Well, new to me anyway.
This unemployed CPL is looking for work when he gets a call from the Malaysian government.
"We've got a problem with fires and smoke and stuff, hows about you come out and fly our Pawnees? All the flying you want, loads of free food and beer, good girls and best of all, money!!".
So the chap thinks it over and then jumps on the nearest Virgin and off he goes. Time passes. About three weeks later he's told to take the Pawnee away for a break and a 500 hour check (500 hours in 3 weeks being about right there). On the way he is overcome with tiredness and has to land in a field of grass. Except that's it's rice and rather wet. He gets out of the plane and lies on the wing, oblivious to his surroundings. Suddenly, out of the distance comes a big white Toyota land Cruiser, and in it is an 18 year old beauty. Blonde hair, blue eyes, nice white clothes etc. fantasy etc. The girl insists our hero join her in the farm house, away from the field and the snakes etc. On the way she tells him her dad is away and she's alone on her own in the house. At length, hero goes to bed, only to be disturbed a while later by a knock on the door. "it's me " the girl squeals, "I'm lonely" Our hero says to go away - he being a brave pilot type and scared of her dad. "No, let me in " she insists "My dad would want it". Our boy has to relent and he lets her in - she is wearing very little, nice see through nighty, good body etc. fantasy etc. She gets in beside him and he turns away, as a gesture of gentlemanliness. "Come here" she pleads "I haven't seen a naked man before". "No" he insists "go to sleep, I'm a professional and I'm tired" "Please" she says, "if you don't I'll tell dad you made me!" so, in deference to a failed situation, our hero rolls over the girl... and falls off the wing of the Pawnee and into the paddy field!

One fine and glorious morning, Capt. Heavy about to enjoy his days off, leans over his bed and kisses his wife on the cheek. Slapping her firmly on the bottom, he says "I'm off to the Links to play 9 holes." "Promise me you'll only play 9!" she demands. "Absolutely, my love." he assures her. Meeting up with his mates at the local course they head out to the first tee. Just past midday our golfers show up at the clubhouse for a few pints. Things get a little carried away and after a couple of beers this gaggle of buxom young ladies turn up . As luck would have it, our Captain hits it off with this young, blonde-haired, blue-eyed sweetheart and before you know it she's inviting him back to her place for some snoggin'. A wild and passionate afternoon unfolds and they eventually fall asleep in one another's arms. Later, he jumps out of bed and looks at his watch. "Oh my GAWD!!! It's four thirty!!!" "Gotta run love" he tells her and shoots out the door struggling to get dressed. Driving home, he can't quite come up with a believable story' for his wife. "What am I going to tell her?" he asks himself. "Stuff it. We've been married to long for stories. I'll just tell her the truth and hope she understands." Shooting through the front door, his wife immediately demands, "Where have you been?" "Sweetheart, I think you should sit down. At first I thought I'd just make something up but we've been together so long I've decided to simply tell you straight out what happened." "I'm listening" she says. "Well, I met up with the boys for 9 holes and we finished just after midday. After that we went into the clubhouse for a couple of beers where I met this gorgeous young blonde who invited me back to her place for a wild afternoon of lovemaking. After which we fell asleep. It wasn't till late in the day I awoke and realized the time. I'm soooooo sorry my darling. Can you ever forgive me?" She sat back in her chair and looked him straight in the eye and said, "You lying bastard. You played 18 holes. Didn't you?"


It seems a 727 crew had a bad day out and the poor buggers slogged into a paddy and bit the big one. The Captain F/O and S/O were, subsequent to the crash, walking up to the pearly gates to discuss their fate with the Guardian At the Gate. The Captain, being from the old school and not well versed in CRM told his mates to wait where they were for a blink while he sorted things out with the angel at the gate. The captain, discusses the situation for awhile and comes back to the two and tells them that he's got a little good news and a little bad news. The F/O and S/O both insist on the bad news first. "Well" he says, "the bad news is that any extra marital affairs we have had bar our entry into paradise." The F/O and the S/O start to walk away quite upset and wondering what an eternity in Hades is going to be like. The captain says "wait a minute mates don't you want to hear the good news?" "Layovers, don't count."

Seems this poor sod Crashes his jet and is sent to hell straight away. Upon reaching Hades he is met by Lucifer himself who places him in a circular room with three doors. Satan tells our poor friend that he has to choose his particular hell from whats behind door 1 or door 2. And being a kind and decent sort the devil says that he may even peek into each door. Well, the first door is continuous SIM for eternity with some crank of an instructor and multiple unrelated emergencies. Behind the second door he sees himself repeating a horrific crash over and over for eternity. Either choice not very appealing. The devil says that he will be right back and our pilot friend has 5 minutes to make up his mind. Curious about door number 3 he takes a peek and sees a 747 captain he once knew engaged in various unnatural sex acts with a bevy of gorgeous women. The devil comes back and asks if he has made up his mind. He replies that he has and that he would like what is behind door number 3. The devil says oh, you can't have that....that's flight attendant hell.

What does a BA Captains wife do to her arsehole before having sex? - Drop him off at the airport!

Our heavy Commander on his last flight before retirement was not looking forward to hanging up his hat. Quite depressed upon arriving at the hotel one of the more lovely stews asks him if he would like to end his career with a bang, nudge, nudge. Our Commander wastes no time and joins the young lady in her room. After our intrepid Commander is done the young lady exclaims "Captain that was the best I've ever had, do you think you could manage to do that again?". "Certainly my dear, just hold it with both hands and wake me in 15 min." was his reply. While thinking this is odd she does as requested and 15 min. later they're at it again. Once more our Hostie is amazed by her Captain's performance and asks if he could possibly manage one more go. "Certainly my dear, hold it with both hands and wake me in 15 min.". Again thinking this odd she goes through the same routine. Now after a couple more romps she finally asks," Captain does my holding on to your wedding tackle somehow give you extra energy ?". " No", said the Captain ,"but the last hostie I shagged stole my wallet."

Heard this one the other day: a BA flight, a gorgeous female pax asks to sit in the jump seat for landing. After arrival, she stands up and leaves.
As soon as the flight deck door closes, the FO takes the cushion from the jump seat, holds it to his nose and inhales deeply.
The captain is outraged. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"
"Sorry sir," says the FO. Hands the cushion to the captain. "You first!"

Only three things my F/O should ever say:
Yes sir
You are right
& I'll take the fat one.


Fluglehrer zum Flugschüler: "Du fliegst wie ein Chinesischer Pilot."
Schüler: "Warum?"
Fluglehrer: "Wan Wing Lo."

"Was ist der Unterschied zwischen dem Papst und einem Piloten ?
"Der Pabst glaubt nicht, dass er fliegen kann."

"Was ist die minimale Besatzung für einen Airbus A320 ?"
"Ein Pilot und ein Hund....."
"Wozu ?"
"Der Pilot hat die Aufgabe den Hund zu futtern und der Hund hat aufzupassen, damit der Pilot nichts anfasst."

"Worüber sprechen Piloten unter sich im Flugzeug ?"
"Über Frauen."
"Und worüber sprechen Piloten, wenn sie mit Frauen zusammen sind ?"
"Natürlich übers Fliegen."


Gespräch zwischen zwei Boeing 747-400 Piloten.
Pilot 1: "Wie kann ein Airbus A340 überhaupt Höhe gewinnen?"
Pilot 2: "Durch die Erdkrümmung, er fliegt einfach gerade aus."


Have you heard about the birdstrike of the airbus 340?
It happened over the north-atlantic.
It was hit by the bird from behind!

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...

"Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch."

If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money.

"Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?"
"A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current. "

Flugschüler: "Ich kann das nicht.....!"
Fluglehrer: "Denken Sie an die Hummel und setzten Sie sich nicht selber Grenzen.
Die Hummel hat 0.7cm2 Flügelfläche bei 1,2 gr. Gewicht.
Nach den Gesetzen der Aerodynamik ist es unmöglich, unter solchen Voraussetzungen zu fliegen.
Die Hummel weiss das aber nicht und fliegt einfach!"

Vogelvergrämungs-Beauftragter (das gibts wirklich) zum Lotsen: "Gestern habe ich mal wieder drei Möwen geschossen. Heute ist Ruhe. Keine mehr da."
Lotse "Kein Wunder, die sind sicher alle auf der Beerdigung."

Ein FIS-Vertreter bei einer Pilotentagung: "In München gibt es eine Sonderregelung: Per FAX aufgegebene Flugpläne von Plätzen rund um München werden nur bestätigt, wenn etwas nicht in Ordnung ist."
Pilot: "Wo gibt es Flugplätze rund um München."


Some pilots has only two friends:
Jonny Walker and Martin Baker.

Ein tschechischer Pilot kommt bei der Flugtaug- lichkeitsuntersuchung zum Augentest. Der Augenarzt hält ihm eine Buchstaben-Tafel vor, auf der steht: C Z R S T W Q Y S T A C Z.
Fliegerarzt: "Können Sie das lesen?"
Pilot: "Lesen? Ich kenn' den Kerl !"


After a lengthy delay at the gate while waiting to depart, the Captain finally came on the PA system and announced: "I'm sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and removes the handles is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it all by hand today!"


A young guy in an F-16 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid." #

In the days of the Northrop F-89 Scorpions, the Air Force pilot at an interceptor squadron was driving to work one day when he got caught in a speed trap on a road that ran very near to the end of the runway. He argued his case with the local cops, but to no avail.
Steaming mad and more than a little frustrated, he stormed into Operations demanding that an F-89 be readied for him immediately. Firing up the engines, he taxied to the active runway and took off.
Shortly after getting airborne, he declared an emergency and reversed course back to the field. Of course, being the good pilot that he was and ever-mindful not to exceed the max landing weight of his Scorpion, and having a fuel dumping system installed, he dumped his excess fuel...just as he reached the road near the end of the runway.
The fuel-drenched cops packed up their radar and weren't seen anywhere near that area again for a very long time.


Shortly after just landing at a big international airport in his Cessna 150, our hero strolls into the busy airport cafeteria for a bite to eat. He finds an empty table by the window to keep an eye on the airport comings and goings. Shortly thereafter, a striking woman walks up and asks to share his table. Naturally, he invites her to sit down.
After several minutes of small talk, the woman asks if he is a pilot. He responds, "Why, yes, I am -- I fly a C-150." Knowing next to nothing about airplanes, she asks him what a C-150 is. The pilot looks out the window and spots a C-130 Hercules taxing out for takeoff.
Pointing to it, he tells his companion, "See that plane over there? That is a C-130. I fly a C-150!"

A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.

Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.
She replies: "Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again".


Two members of the traffic police were out in the countryside with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 400 mph.

The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Tornado hurtled over their heads.

The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Tornado's target-seeker had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.
Luckily(?), the Tornado was operating unarmed.

Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the jet into a vertical climb.
During this climb he got a call from ATC as follows, "Ghost 53Z, from Approach. Say heading," to which the pilot responded "Ooh, up, sir."


The progress of the student during flying training was not good enough to allow him to continue the course and to become a fighter pilot. He had to leave the pilot training outfit but he wanted to remain in the Air Force and could be transferred into another sector. Asked for his preferences he replied:
" AAA, Anti Aircraft Artillery, because 'if I don't fly - nobody will"

The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"
The attendant just looked at the pilot.
"I bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a refuel," said the pilot.
The attendant replied: "True, most pilots use that airport over there."

At the Naval Air Station a young ground-crew member was being trained on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit for hot refueling. The instructor gave him a go and after quite some wild arm weaving the F14 was parking, but when checking they discovered that he had taxied the aircraft too far forward from the fuel hose to reach the airplane.
"You'll have to send him around again," said the instructor.
"What?" he said, surprised. "They spend millions on these things and you can't even put them in reverse?"

China in the eighties. A DC-3 (or similar?) loaded with tourist passengers starts up and is about to taxi. Then the engines are shut down again. The captain leaves the cockpit and adresses the passengers: "This plane ill! We take other plane!"
They all walk over to a DC-3 parked across the ramp. Engines started, and shut down again. Captain adresses passengers again: "This plane more ill! We take first plane!"

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write with in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

When Apollo astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usually com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

But, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Apparently a true story.

Q: What separates flight attendants from the scum of the earth?
A: The cockpit door!

Q: What is the difference between a flight attendant and a jet engine?
A: The jet engine stops whining at the gate

Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he's about to hit the ground?
A: His guide dog's leash goes slack.

Q: How does the Airbus A340 manage to climb?
A: By the bend of the earth!

Q: Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time that he lands ?
A: Did you ever fly with Alitalia ?

Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew? .......
A: A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

Q: How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What do pilots use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

 


A "good" landing is one which you can walk away from. A "great" landing is one which lets you use the airplane another time.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.


Good judgment comes from experience. Good experience comes from someone else's bad judgment.


An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.


Learn from the mistakes of others...you won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Things which do you no good in aviation:
- Altitude above you.
- Runway behind you.
- Fuel in the truck.
- Half a second in history.
- Approach plates in the car.
- The airspeed you don't have.

Emergency generator - device which generates emergencies, also known as a simulator.
Landing light - preferable to landing heavy.
Bank - owners of mortgage on aircraft.
Walkaround - procedure when waiting for better weather.
Briefing - spending a long time saying nothing.
De-briefing - spending a long time saying nothing after you have done it. "

Piloten-Gebet:
Oh, controller, who sits in tower,
hallowed be thy sector, thy traffic
come, thy instructions be done on the
ground as they are in the air.
Give us today our radar vectors,
and forgive us our TCAS incursions
as we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
but deliver us our clearances.
Roger.

Fluglehrer: "Also, beginnen wir mal mit was ganz Einfachem: Fliegen Sie bitte waagerecht geradeaus."
Flugschüler: "Was wollen Sie zuerst haben?"

Fluglehrer: "How do you judge altitude during the flare?"
Flugschüler: "It's easy: I continue the approach until you stiffen up, then I pull back."

Fluglehrer (während einer Überlandeinweisung): "By the way: what is the purpose of the propeller?"
Flugschüler: "To keep the airplane constantely flying."
Fluglehrer: "Right. And what else?"
Flugschüler: "???"
Fluglehrer: "To keep the pilot constantely cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch you sweat."

Fluglehrer (macht während eines Nachtübungsfluges alle Panel-Lichter aus): "Okay, soeben sind Ihnen alle Lichter ausgegangen, was machen Sie jetzt?"
Flugschüler (holt eine Taschenlampe aus der Seitentasche): "Ich nehme meine Taschenlampe."
Fluglehrer (kassiert die Lampe): "Die Batterien sind aber leer, was machen Sie jetzt?"
Flugschüler (kramt eine zweite Lampe hervor): "Ich nehme eine andere Lampe."
Fluglehrer (nimmt ihm auch diese weg): "Bei der ist die Birne durchgebrannt, was machen Sie nun?"
Flugschüler (holt eine dritte Lampe aus der Seitentasche): "Ich nehme diese."
Fluglehrer (schnappt sich auch die dritte Lampe): "Also, alle Taschenlampen sind kaputt, was nun?"
Flugschüler (zieht einen elektrischen Leuchtstab aus seiner Jackentasche): "Dann nehm' ich halt den."
Fluglehrer (entnervt): "... fliegen Sie die Maschine einfach ohne Licht, okay?"

Pilot's survival guarantee:
"Airspeed, altitude or brain - you need at least two of them."

Airline Captain (während eines turbulenten Fluges): "This is your captain speaking. I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as a floating device. Thank you for choosing Delta Airlines."

 


Brain in 'off' mode
The whole crew except the fresh 20 year old stewardess are in the lobby of the hotel at pick up time. The captain asks the Purser to call the new girl and ask why she's not down on time ?
So the Purser calls the girls room and says: 'Why are you still in your room, it's pick up time...' The girl replies that she cannot get out of her room. The Purser says: 'well, what's wrong, is the door stuck?' The girl replies: ' no... there are three doors in my room. One goes into the bathroom, the other goes into the closet.' Finally the Purser asks: 'well, what about the third one ?'
The girl answers: 'That door has a DO NOT DISTURB sign on it...'


Hard landing
An airline pilot hammered his ship into the runway really hard on a certain flight. The airline had a policy which required the pilot to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a 'Thanks for flying XYZ airline.' Due the bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, expecting that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said: 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why no Madam,' said the pilot, 'what is it?'
The little old lady asked: 'Did we land or were we shot down?'

 

 

Inflight meals
The cannibal was travelling from his homeland towards 'civilization'.
Halfway, when feeling hungry, he asked the stewardess for the passengerlist.

 

 

Insurer: It was pilot error
Pilot : It was design error
Insurer: I disagree. The pilot is at fault for trusting the designer

 

 

Airline captain: "If only I made as much money as people think I make, had as much time off as my neighbours think I have and had as much fun on stopovers as my wife thinks I have".

Sign seen at refueling point: WARNING Do not operate any radio transmitter within 100 metres of the pumps. If your life is not worth anything..... the fuel is!

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.

A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying "Up yours!"

Keep looking around, there's always something you missed.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in the business...is in the wrong business.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew copilot is a copilot who was once a captain.

A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.

Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gear handle DOWN.

As the German Flight Test Pilot explained:
"You give an aeroplane and a manual to a Brit, a German and a Frenchman. The Brit looks in the manual to make sure that there's no rule preventing him from doing what he wants, the German looks in the manual to find which rule he needs to obey in order to do anything. Whereas the Frenchman simply says "What manual?"............"

 

Zurück zu Interessantes

 

Wulfsweg 6 · 26209 Hatten · Telefon 04481/927976 · Telefax 04481/927977 · info(at)edwh.de